so i'm a liar.

Sat, 23 Apr 2005 17:41:05 GMT
alright alright guuuuys.
new journal name post.
said i wouldn't do it. but i'm doin' it.
so stfu.

lindseypants
add it. you wont be sorry.

the end.

Thu, 21 Apr 2005 07:29:32 GMT
this journal will self destruct in 3...2...1...

ok ok.
tomorrow it's being deleted.
<3

ask me for my new lj name. it will not be posted.

<33333333 heartheartheart!!

Thu, 21 Apr 2005 05:52:51 GMT
dear david randall blackie mcblacksalot:

i love you.
you smell like poo.
trains say "choo choo"
and we're stuck like GLUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUE.

takes a bow
thank you. thank you.

that ones goes out to the totally uber excellent boyfriend of mine.
D.R.B.B.D.M. <3's L.M.B.L.J.C.

Thu, 14 Oct 2004 23:03:00 GMT
so as you know, david just got back Monday from recording Otenki's new EP in lovely California.
it sounds amazing and they even wrote a new song (track 5) with david playing violin in the background, a sweet little Yellow Card touch.

a couple songs have been put on their Myspace page.
check it out here.

also for updates on the band you can always go to their offical site: ♥OtenkiRock.com

go listen. NOW!

Mon, 11 Oct 2004 00:15:32 GMT
I LOVE YOU DAVID.
CONGRATULATIONS ON THE RECORDING.

I COULDN'T BE MORE PROUD. <3

Mon, 04 Oct 2004 15:46:04 GMT
text message from david [recieved 10/04/04 5:02 a.m.]: i heart you a lot and i'm missing you so much...i just cant stop thinking about you! i hope you are okay without me.

so what if you catch me.

Wed, 29 Sep 2004 13:34:22 GMT
love. love. love. love. love.
love. love. love. love. love.
love. love. love. love. love.
love. love. love. love. love.
love. love. love. love. love.
love. love. love. love. love.
love. love. love. love. love.

all the talking we did last night. and all the crying i did on the kitchen floor. it lasted for hours and hours and all i'd intended to do was make you spagetti. i guess i had too much wine. and i shouldn't have been listening to country music and drinking so fucking fast. and i just said the "f" word but i dont care. i'm really emotional right now (when am i not emotional?) so, cut me some slack. ok?

i know i'm ugly when i cry.

ahahhhah.

Fri, 24 Sep 2004 22:16:39 GMT
LxIxNxZ: i hate your naked self.
MaffewSBaker: hey i wasn't the only one
LxIxNxZ: YOU'RE THE ONLY ONE I SAW!!
MaffewSBaker: haha
MaffewSBaker: you missed out
LxIxNxZ: how was taco c?
MaffewSBaker: good
LxIxNxZ: nobody asked me if I wanted any. :-( its bullshit.
MaffewSBaker: yeah we did
MaffewSBaker: we said hey were going to taco c
MaffewSBaker: then you went into your room and slammed the door
LxIxNxZ: really?
MaffewSBaker: haha
MaffewSBaker: yeah
LxIxNxZ: are you serious?
LxIxNxZ: I DID NOT!
MaffewSBaker: yes
MaffewSBaker: then we were like: ... fair enough
LxIxNxZ: are you kiddin?
LxIxNxZ: i DONT REMEMBER THAT!!
LxIxNxZ: dude. i didn't realize how drunk i was. the whole time yall were upstairs i was downstairs taking shots of vodka by myself. it was great.
MaffewSBaker: hahaa
MaffewSBaker: it was sweet when i sneaked up on you
LxIxNxZ: you're a fag.
MaffewSBaker: haha
MaffewSBaker: i just didn't understand how you didn't see me
MaffewSBaker: and then i thought you saw me but were just playing along
MaffewSBaker: so i stood up normal
MaffewSBaker: and then you saw me
MaffewSBaker: haha
LxIxNxZ: lol

Fri, 24 Sep 2004 13:56:31 GMT
you've got to be kidding me.
really.

Thu, 23 Sep 2004 17:07:07 GMT
I HAVE NO NEED FOR MY MEMORIES OF YOU.
SO I THREW THEM AWAY THIS MORNING.

AND LAUGHED A LITTLE WHEN I PUT THE LID ON THE TRASH CAN.

bleed eachother from the vein.

Thu, 23 Sep 2004 16:55:09 GMT
we're at that age, aren't we? we've arrived.

i like cleaning my room. i like setting aside a whole day off to just straighten things up; as though i'm straightening my life up by doing so. and in the process recovering past things that remind me of people i'd rather not be reminded of. this happens a lot i've noticed. at least, a lot to me.

is it passive aggressive to take down photographs and hide them? to try and forget, physically? a literal "out of sight; out of mind" gesture, i could call it. i could start a box for only the ex boyfriends i want to forget. to push aside and only pull back out when i want to humor myself because, comparing them to david: it's like a hobby.

david thinks i have too much pride. i think he may be right.

"if you ever find a way to forgive me
and if you ever find a way to put this all to rest
because i'm hanging on your dress now, like a little boy
and all that you wanted was a good man. alright."

i've noticed the level of calm has really upscaled for me. i'm very okay with things. not so anxious all the time. and i've already instructed my closest friends to verbally punch me in the face if i call them anymore, being a neurotic girlfriend. because see, it's pointless.
and he's not going anywhere. (knock on wood.)

i'm very much anticipating my trip to austin coming up. i miss julie. i miss hatcher. and even though i talk to them at least once a day, it really isn't the same. funny because, it seems the three of us are on a lucky streak, in regards to our romantic lives. which makes me uber glad. and the plan to move in with elise in february seems to be in motion, which is also very good. she came over last night and we went to Target and really really think we're gonna have a blast living together.

that and the fact that both of our bf's are rockstars. it's all just perfect, isn't it? haha.

it's all falling into place. one by one. day by day. and the more that happens, the more i find myself getting very relaxed with this situation. do you blame me?

i heart him.

Tue, 21 Sep 2004 06:58:05 GMT
me: "i just want to apologize. for you having to deal with all my problems. all my issues that were there before you came into the picture. i'm sorry for that babe. it's not your responsibility to handle this. it's not fair.

him: "lindsey. let me put it like this. it's like finding the perfect car. your dream car. it's everything you've ever wanted in one package; something you've never been able to find as a whole before. and you find it. and it's got a dent. just one dent, in the side. would you turn it down because of the dent? no. you'd buy it and fix the dent and then you have this totally sweet dream car that you've always wanted, that's completely dent-less. you're like my dream car. and once we work through all these issues of yours, you're gonna be this totally sweet girlfriend with no problems cause i've helped you through them. get it?"

baby. i get it.
thank you. for comparing me to your dream car.
thank you for making me feel, so amazing.
like i matter. like i matter, to you.

Sun, 19 Sep 2004 06:20:18 GMT
and just because i wanted to touch you
doesn't mean i wanted to get a grip.
it had everything to do with the un-fear
of being shackled down and left for the wolves.

if i knew what love was
dont you think i would've done it by now?

meaningless flights through the sheets
dont compensate for romance.
and if by chance you got those two mixed up
i feel sorrier for you then before.

©2004 Lindsey M. Brummerhop

Eating Out

Sun, 19 Sep 2004 05:46:14 GMT
Tracing the salt from his skin
Left on the pillows
I'll never wash again
Tempting
To brush aside the burden of breath
To tip the pitcher of sanity
I never meant to remember sadness this way.

I'm chancing my awakening
Slithering through the cracks to the bottem
Liquid aching running through his fingers
Settling into the crevices that make him
The wounded lover he has become.

Let your head tilt to one side
Swinging like a slow motioned pendelum
I'm buried within
The grains in my throat
Reaching out
Up
Pull me through this apathetic you.

Slim anger
Battling the regression of tears
Beauty simply is
As beauty simply was
Smear the steamed mirror
He'll never be behind you again.

I'm loving you below the skin
Crinkling through me like dirty newspaper
I'm wrapped transluscently
Feeling you but never truly touching
You wouldn't understand
Pandora's box could was simply a toy chest
Compared to these leftovers.

©2004 Lindsey M. Brummerhop

Charming

Sun, 19 Sep 2004 05:34:11 GMT
He was like a spiked drink
Cheap and a little decietful
And while she's spilling you on that pink dress
I'll stand aside and curl my fingers around
Absolutely no one

Tomorrow came early today
And something tripped my stride
You're varnishing those heart breaking tendencies
Tempting me with a facade of...stability?

Shuffle the feet
Twist and trust
Tying yourself into him
If you absolutely must
But dont expect
Romance to exist
He'll give you the cold shoulder
After such a sweet kiss

©2004 Lindsey M. Brummerhop

Two days Too Late

Sun, 19 Sep 2004 05:33:07 GMT
5-22-02

Cheap threats
And floral patterned patrons
Destoned to live their commitments out
With story book deception
Amazing how love was transformed so well
Because I "think too much"
And you're recognizing the upper-hand
You've never had before
Congratulations are in order
For the man who lost it all
But who am I to say you lost?
Maybe that was just the cost
Of tempting myself with something I never wanted
So this is heart ache
A claimed emotion I never truly knew
Before you decided you were through
With my un-grateful behavior
I've said it before
I'll say it again
I'm sorry for being the person I am
By leaving, I did you a favor
You're pretending to care a little less
Sheilding your eyes from an awkward mess
That I've come to know reflected
How many ex-boyfriends will you be to me?
And this isn't rejection
A similiar sensation
I always knew you'd be there
So be there
Or be [square]d away
Boxed up and forgotten
My dusty picture album of a perfected romance
Given away to charity
A salvation army abandonment
But what do they want with a broken heart?
It seems to you I've forgotten the part
Where everything was better
So this is sad
My fear has left us standing here
And you're miles away
You're starting to let me go
I should've just let you known
I've loved you from the start and that wont ever be changed
Too bad I was much too late
I've learned not to hesitate.
Tomorrow wont be the same.

©2004 Lindsey M. Brummerhop

Kept Me Standing

Sun, 19 Sep 2004 05:29:59 GMT
5-9-02

Easier said than spun
Transferring my fears of commitment
To fears of rejection
And it all comes down
To how goddess-like you can seem
In his eyes tonight
Tricky parts
Are keeping the facade
Zoning into an area of unrealism
A place where he can touch that indent below your chin
Right above your chest
And the shudder than runs so distinctly up your spine
Is caused by nothing more then the purest...
Idealistic [pass it on already] passion
I wanted to duck my head
And run
But considering the grip you've got
I'm not going anywhere
Any time
Soon.

©2004 Lindsey M. Brummerhop

could be a memory.

Sun, 19 Sep 2004 05:27:10 GMT
so i dyed your hair black
but i still remember what it looks like natural.
because things like that, they dont fade.
and memories are sometimes so much more clear,
than the present.

granted winter's coming
and all these things are coming back.
maybe not so i can touch them
hold them. twist them up in my fingers and never let go.
maybe not for that.
but maybe for me to realize how much better you are
for me.
than they could ever be.

sometimes when you're with me
i could close my eyes.
and fall and fall and fall.
because when i'm with you

i'm weightless.

anything acoustic remind me of you
the non-smoking section of a restaraunt
and boys that are taller than me.

i would quote you
but you're not that cookie cutter
as though i've made you up
to have something amazing to send home
in letters.
a boy built in words
spaces
and exclamation points.

©2004 Lindsey M. Brummerhop

just look outside. i'll be there.

Fri, 17 Sep 2004 19:33:14 GMT
where've i been going? with all these things i've lived through. survived. its amusing really, to think about all those old scenerios. all those old mornings i'd wake up to other people. other friends. different rooms and pictures and places. the smells in the air that still remind me of certains things. do i miss it? did they make me stronger?

i think i'm happy right, where i am now. and its unbelievable.

its hilarious to say with completely sincerity that i've never been happier. ever. and its a very calm, subtle emotion. because all the things before are just build ups. a plot to bring you to an end. or this end. which is in fact, more of a beginning in sorts. because i'm still only twenty one. never to be twenty or nineteen again. and yet twenty five and thirty three are still up ahead.

Fall makes me happy. i dont get those sad feelings that it seems most do, in the winter time. actually i'm quite the opposite. and just that scent in the air that reminds me of christmas is enough to put a grin on my face. that and all these new things that have been taking place lately. all these people coming in and making themselves at home as my friends. old ones. new ones. even ones i've yet to meet. i feel very un-lonely. and its a new thing for me this time.

and i'm not so scared anymore.

i'd actually really like to take some road trips soon. i've been meaning to make my way to Austin for quite some time now. i'm working a lot so my bank account has rightfully been swelling. which makes me glad. and david and i should be making plans to drive up to College Station for a weekend to visit his best friend Josh and his girlfriend, Kristin. i'm actually really excited to meet Josh because i've heard so many wonderful things about him. so this needs to take place quick.

i miss julie and hatcher ridiculous amounts, but it seems just i will be boarding a bus October 2nd, to meet up with them. melissa's coming too, so itll be like old times and i'll probably cry and take lots and lots of pictures. (its too bad certain people probably wont make it for reasons censored. but their presence will be missed, nonetheless.)

i feel like clouds.
clouds are light and airy and carefree.
i like feeling like, clouds. ya know?

hottest couple EVER!

Thu, 16 Sep 2004 17:26:50 GMT
and he says:
"dude, i look hot in glasses. dude. you look HOT in my arms!"

this makes me so happy right now.

the plug.

Tue, 14 Sep 2004 07:30:19 GMT
oh and if you love me.
you will click this link.

and check the uber coolest band this side of the mississippi:
♥OTENKIROCK.COM

and leave a comment about how hot my baby is. <33

in the words of Enoma: GO! NOW! ROCK!*

so say it. ok?

Tue, 14 Sep 2004 06:44:44 GMT
sometimes i dont even realize, how fucking lucky i am. and how happy i should be. regardless of my insanity. my craziness, if you will. because yeah it's there, but cant it be fun? cant it be something good? great maybe.

all these new people that come in and say nice things and make me feel so special. so correct and perfect and fitting. isn't that how it should be every part of every day? because it it were, things would be right.

you make me feel the opposite of wrong.

some peoples voices. some songs make me feel really beautiful. and i always randomly gets these very whole emotions that cover me up and suddenly i'm so okay, its not even believable. because when i think about certain things, and i let myself get all caught up in stuff that's not bad. its amazing what i can do.

i wanna buy a fish. i still haven't dont that but i want to.
and i need to finish painting my room because i wanted it to be my sanctuary.
my place to go and feel not so scared.

(and i love you): hatcher, elise, jess, julie, heather, lora, melissa, davey, enoma, baker, eric. the list should go on but you guys are the ones that made my night fun tonight, during one part or another. haha.

i'm gonna finish painting tomorrow. and if you show up and i have blue paint on my face, tell me i look gorgeous. it'll be the sweetest thing ever. if you say it.

i love being a hick.

Sat, 11 Sep 2004 21:27:10 GMT
Cory Morrow tonight.
with Honeybrowne. in Crosby.

i'm so fucking excited. i haven't seen Cory Morrow since the race tracks with Zach and Jess. and i'm actually gonna get a shirt this time. yay!
my phones back on by the way, if any of you have been trying to reach me.
call the cell.

davids spending the weekend with his family and doing sound for the show at his grandmas church. tomorrow morning he's got violin. so i probably wont get to see him till monday.
oh well. i'm glad i'll get to spend time with my friends. with texas country.

::sigh:: i've needed a fix. lol!

gotta go start getting ready. CORY MORROW I LOVE YOU!!!! hehe.

a friend gone.

Fri, 10 Sep 2004 02:14:22 GMT
She was 20. Services were held this morning at 10:00.

Crystal Ann Fowler
April 6, 1984 - September 4, 2004.

i went to high school with her. she was a good friend. funny, quirky. boy crazy. i always felt kind of connected to her because she was just one of those girls that people picked on. we both went through it. she loved to be the center of attention and was almost always happy. always smiling.

she tried to hook me up with her cousin once. we went to her boyfriend at the times house, and they had mirrors on the ceiling. i'd thought that was so funny. and she was such a party girl. i always had a good time when we hung out.

i was good friends with her and her brother. Chris. when Derik and i were still dating we went to their house, her mom was on a ladder putting up Christmas decorations. they were all so nice.

i keep mental picturing what could've happened. and it makes me feel very unattached to reality. because she didn't deserve this. she was a good person. i keep imagining how scared she must've been. and it makes me so sick.
she was a good girl. and she'd already been through so much. people were so mean to her.

she was a good girl. and we will miss her, incredibly.

God Bless, Crystal.
you will always be in my prayers.

heartheartheart!

Thu, 09 Sep 2004 02:07:05 GMT
i have THE BEST boyfriend in the entire world.
hands down.

no contest.

and i dont think i could ask for more.